For fucks sakes what have i done?

  Nov 3, 2016   Edmond

Location: Leaving Vancouver, BC via Freighter

I said my goodbyes to my family and friends, and most painfully my niece. I bought enough dope to cover me for a least 2 and a half weeks called an Uber around 11pm on the 29th of October and headed for the port to board the Almaviva, a freighter ship run by CMA-CGM, the french cargo company. I took all of about 40 minutes to make it to the Seattle port and another fucking 4 hours to finally find the correct terminal and get checked in at the gate and another hour to finally have everything up the epic amount of stairs to get to my room, thankfully there was an elevator once i had made it past the deck. Theres no security or anything so you just jump on and no worries. when i first saw the ship, I marveled, it was enormous. I already had the Atlantic Ocean under my belt traveling the same way, an eleven day sailing but that was in May. This time, 28 days at sea during winter, on the largest ocean on earth I knew it was going to be a totally different journey all together.

The CMA-CGM AlmaViva, my room is there port side, one level above the life boat.

View of Seattle from my Room.

We left the Seattle port around 330 on the 30th or maybe it was the 1st, either way I was high as fuck and still awake to watch the city sail away and soon there was nothing but ocean. By that night we had already arrived in Vancouver BC and i was informed that we were going to be stuck for a couple days extra because the winds were high, making loading and unloading the containers impossible.

Arriving in port in Vancouver, BC

After 3 days more than was planned in Vancouver and a zillion dollars spent on bloody cell phone data, we are off and as the islands of the Puget Sound whiz by, I’m nervous about the seas, they're gonna be rough. Rougher still as I will be coming off dope. Two and half weeks worth gone in a matter of days, classic fucking junky. I ran out about an hour ago, and I miss it so much, I overdosed yesterday and woke up drooling on the bathroom floor after a black out, but fuck, I am handsome when Im high, and if I didn’t have family, id chase that feeling until I died.

Sunrise in port in Vancouver

So here I am dope sick and Ive lost all motivation, yet somehow im writing this, probably because I have more than safe levels of valium in my system. Im tired of traveling already, its been fucking years and this French ship isn’t helping. There is only one person in the crew so far that has expressed any indication that he likes me, the captain and I haven’t had our tattoo meeting yet and the seas will probably be too rough anyway. But I’m terrified of him, and most of the crew for that matter. They make me eat at my own table by myself, without officers or crew and its pretty obvious they don’t want me here, even after my peace offering to the Captain of a bottle of Lagavulin and telling him straight to his face that I understand that he doesn’t need another responsibility in me, and that I appreciate that he has allowed me on his ship, like he had a choice.

The doubt has set in, the loneliness too. I’ve been bashing around in my head what the fuck am I doing this for. I left a girl,(again) a great job, my family and friends and its hard not to tear up. but the mission to see the world and understand it is just too important to me, sacrifices must be made but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Jack Kerouac was on the road for 5 years and he’s a fucking legend. he stayed in the united states in a difficult time in history. Ive already got him beat by a year and internationally. I’m aiming for a decade. and I can do it, I don’t know anyone else who could, mostly because I’m a proud asshole that believes his word is his bond, and probably the last human to stick to that ideal in my experience. This last 5 years has been hard, harder than they should’ve been and those that know only the romantic side would be surprised. It almost killed me so many times its hard to explain, dark places I ended up existing in that the razor sounded better than continuing to breathe. I was just waiting around to die, not living my life, I just tried to deal with the pain as best I could as I shuffled from country to country skipping visas and having anxiety control my life in totality as I was constantly looking over my shoulder for the next cop to arrest me for working illegally.

The next 4 years are gonna be the ones to talk about. I’m going to do this with style and power that no one has witnessed before. I am who I am, and with tears running down my face I wish I wasn’t me sometimes. But all the same, demons and all it is the era of Edmond, rulers of earth. And when we have this earth spinning in our palm, we are going to crush it and laugh at the misery, get doped all the way to infinity and let that wonderful brilliance take me all the way home to my seat next to the gods.

I have big ideas in the works, ones that might actually make my comfortable in the coming years, ideas that may make our dreams come true. I don’t feel like I get many big breaks in life, and its probably about time I did.

I’m training my ass off to learn this new drawing tablet, and its difficult, more so because I’m without internet to watch tutorials. so heres to learning the old way.

I could really use a hug as the first couple weeks of loneliness kick in, as they always do. but i know you're all sending me one and that does make me feel better.

Likely the last land I will see until Somewhere near Russia.

love as always